November 3, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day 3

SOMETHING YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR.

This is not an easy thing to talk about.  Really.  It's not easy to have to try and think about it, because really, who wants to remember something you have to forgive yourself for?  And also who wants to share it with the world?!

I'll tell you who.  Crazy ol' me.  That's right.  So settle in, here we go.

Having children was always in my plan.  Always.  And when Thom and I got married we got right with it, if ya know what I'm saying...which I hope you do because I'm NOT going to explain it!!!   So we tried and tried and moved and tried some more.  Good grief!  What the crap was taking so dang long?!  Tried and tried etc.  Two years into it, we went to the Dr.  Had some tests.  Blah blah.  I needed to lose weight and his lil' troopers were tapered.  TMI?  Sorry.  You knew what I was when you picked me up.

ANYWAY so Thom quit smoking.  Yeah, he used to do that.  But his strength in just quitting and never really looking back is still so huge to me.  HUGE.  He's an amazing man, if any of you don't already know.  So now it was basically all on me.  So I lost 50 lbs.  And went on Chlomid.  And still a nothin'.  And it was so hard to be positive and keep it together every month when nature's non-subtle way of telling you "YOU'RE STILL NOT PREGNANT, SWEETIE!" came around. Again and again. It sucked.

But then, low and behold, it didn't show...for a few days!  Could it be?!  So I took a test.  And it was like  if you looked really close, you could MAYBE see that second line.  And I was so so excited!!  And so a few days later I took another one. Sure enough, there is was.  Two lines! TWO LINES!!!  Yahoo!  It all worked!!  La la la.

Fast forward a couple weeks.  Thom and I are traveling to a Family Reunion somewhere in Utah.  I am studying upon my "What To Expect" and reading and learning all I can.  We see family, tell my parents the good news, and are just excited.  And I use the bathroom and see a tiny bit of blood.

Minor freak out.   So I call the Dr and ask, they say it's totally normal, most women have some, not really anything to worry about.  So I don't.  And it was only like that one time.

Except for it happened again the next day.  And then again later.  So I was kinda worried.  And a little crampy.  We were seriously so far into the mountains that calling out was not an option.  My mom asks an aunt who has gone through the same thing.  She says I need to take it easy and relax.

So I decide it will be fun to float the river a few times with my cousins.  And hike forever to get in REALLY FAR up the river and ride back and go down a few waterfalls and pop a few tubes and really get a great workout!

I get back, get showered and notice that perhaps I really did need to relax.  It was not stopping, in fact, was there every time I used the restroom.  I was really unsettled and didn't feel good, but kept up appearances.  You see, not many of the extended family knew and I didn't want to have to go into it.  Plus it was the last night of the reunion and I wanted to enjoy it.

I woke up Sunday morning, got dressed, went out and helped my Gramma pick up and get breakfast ready and suddenly felt the need to crawl back in bed.  The cramping and sickness were overwhelming.  And I knew what was happening.  And I cried and cried and threw up a little and sat in bed while everyone cleaned and packed and helped.

I had a random visitor here and there. My gramma, my mom, my aunt.  But since no one knew, no one could know what was going on.  I felt lazy and like everyone was thinking, "Why isn't Camie out here helping?!"  My mom finally got a group together and my little brother gave me a blessing.  (If you don't know, ask)  And I think I threw up again.

We got in the car to head to the ER...which was about 2 hours away.  And my parents were following us.  And I was having these REALLY sharp, crapmy pains on and off. So I decided to see how often they would show up...at first it was like 10 minutes, then 8 minutes, then like 5 minutes.  And then there was an accident near Midway and we had to stop for what seemed like forever.  By the time we got there, the pains had stopped coming and I just felt numb and a dull sort of pain in my tummy.

Well, as you may know or have guessed, yeah.  I lost it.  My first baby. Gone.  All that work and love and it was gone like that.  There are not words to describe the hurt.  For those of you who have gone through this, help me out here.  Because I can't think of a single way to explain just the sadness and loss and pain.

So here comes the part where I have to forgive myself.  I still wonder if I wouldn't have floated that river if I would have lost that baby.  I wonder if I would have just taken it easy and relaxed, if it would have ended the same.  The most painful thought that has ever crossed my mind is was that my girl? Was that my only chance at having my baby girl and I blew it?

I don't care how long it's been, it still breaks my heart to think about.  I carry that baby with my everywhere I go. I'll never forget how it felt and how hard it was to hear my Dr. say "well, at least we know you can get pregnant."

And you know, my Izacc came a mere four months later.  Well, I was pregnant with him anyway...it took 9 months to bake him!  :)  But I wouldn't trade him for anything ever in the entire world.

So you know, the questions always come. Was that Izacc and he just missed the bus?  Had that one succeeded would I have Izacc? Would he have just come later?  I just don't have all the answers and I kinda don't want to.  Someday I'll know and understand.  But for now, the hardest part is being able to forgive myself for being selfish and wanting to play with the kids instead of taking care of myself.  Being able to say that there is some sort of master plan and going through this was part of it.  Does it make me a better mother?  Does it help me appreciate the kids I do have?  You bet your sweet butt it does!  Do I still get scared out of my mind when I am pregnant?  And worry about every single cramp and stomach ache?  Absolutely.  But it does make me appreciate the whole child bearing process all the more and so grateful and excited for the children I have and will be given...if any.

So there you have it.  A really long story about a time I have to forgive myself for.  It may be irrational to some and downright ridiculous to others, but it's a huge part of who I am.  Sorry it was so long. But thanks for sticking by me.  

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1 comment:

Jo said...

I don't think you are irrational or ridiculous.

and I just wanted to show some love for you. :)

ps. This made me cry. So did the post above this one.