May 25, 2012

You're Invited To A Pity Party...You've Been Warned

I feel like I need to put a disclaimer on this puppy.  I am not writing this for attention or sympathy.  I am getting my bad thoughts and feelings out of my brain so maybe I can think clearly for a minute.  You have every right, as with everything else out there, to skip over this entire post completely.  It's more just for me anyway.  

It's one of those days.  I have, understandably, had quite a few recently, but today is certainly one of those for sure.

I miss my Dad.  There have been so many times this week when, for a split second, I thought, 'I should call Dad and tell him about this.'  And then reality hits.  And it's hard.  It's really, really hard.  It has been getting a little easier with the passing of time, but man is it hard.

I feel like I am taken for granted.  A lot.  And that people just assume I'll be there for them.  Or that I will be able to drop whatever I'm doing to help them out.  And don't get me wrong, I do.  A lot.  Anyone who knows and loves me can tell you I have a problem with putting others wants and needs first.  And I have no problem with that.  I'd almost do anything for anyone.  But when it's assumed, or done without any gratitude, it hurts.  Me.  A lot.  I feel like I'm there for so many people anytime they need, but when it's me who wants or needs something, I'm low on the priority chain. And I'm tired of it.  I feel like I am not important enough to make time for, and it really hurts.

I am so freaking sick and tired of paying for a house that we're not living in.  I am tired to being a burden on my sweet Gramma, who is an angel for taking us in in the first place.  But it's hard on her and it's not cheap.  And I would love nothing more than to pay all of her utility bills because heaven knows, a family of five using water and electricity is not cheap.  But I can't because we're literally dumping all of our income into a vacant house.  And I can't take the utilities out of my name until we sell it.  And I am seriously throwing money at the city of Riverton because I have a water/sewer/garbage bill that still gets paid every month and NO ONE IS USING IT!!  It is so frustrating.  SO FREAKING FRUSTRATING!!!

And speaking of money, why are things so tight these days?!  Aside from the obvious, I try and try to make things work out in everyone's favor every month and I still can't please everyone.  I need to get the kids some clothes, but we owe the credit card too much.  So I pay the credit card extra and then Izacc has to have a tooth pulled out.  So I take from the savings.  But then I have to use the credit card for something and any extra money that was going back to replenish the savings account now has to go back to the damn card.  And my husband gets mad because I am supposed to magically make everything work and I CAN NOT DO IT.  Honestly, I'm exhausted.  I am fully aware that every single person plays this song and dance every month, but itdoesn't make it any easier.  It's my baby's first birthday next month.  And I want to have a party for her.  And I feel so guilty for even thinking about it because of all the things we could be using that money for. 

I have decided I hate Facebook.  I used to love it.  I loved knowing how my friends from high school were doing and what was going on with my extended family.  But I hate what it's become.  And I hate the games that people play.  And I think I'm staying away for awhile, you know, to improve my mental health.  I know, everyone says that too, and it's a possibility I'll be right back on tomorrow.  But right now, I'm hurt and I'm done.

I've been running.  Training, doing intervals really.  I have yet to see any difference in my dumb body.  No, that's not true.  My calves are ridiculously large.  I had to cut a pair of pants into capris because I couldn't get them over my large and in charge leg muscles.  The tummy, however, seems to be a permanent fixture and isn't wanting to go anywhere.  So I feel less than motivated to get outta bed in the morning and go out because I'm not seeing any results.

I have cleaned the living room today 4 times.  I have been making a conscious effort this week to be on top of the housework.  It's more than exhausting, its making me crazy.  I pick up the exact same messes over and over and over again.  I can remember when I was working and couldn't wait to be a stay at home mom.  
'How nice it would be,' I thought, 'to stay home all day and do what I want and hang out with my kids.  Man that would be nice.  I can't wait!'  Yeah.  Boy was I naive.  It so much more work than I ever imagined.  And it's not my own space, since we're in Gramma's basement, and so it's even more stressful because everything down here is hers and the kids are not the cleanest.  I try and I try and it's seriously impossible to keep up.  I clean the living room, then go work on dishes only to find sticky fingerprints on the chair and goldfish all over the living room floor.  And then my husband comes home to a mess and can't understand what I've been doing all day. 

And my kids are in rare form today.  Or I am less than tolerant.  Or both.  But they are being just so SO naughty today!  I don't even know what to do!!  I love them it's true.  I love them to pieces.  But sometimes they make me so crazy I want to go lock myself in the car.

Is there a solution?  It there a way to balance it all?  I know that God won't give us more than we can handle, but I'm done.  I feel like I am at the breaking point.  I am pushed right up to that line and one more thing will seriously crush me.  Someone please give me the secret to making it all work out because I can't even begin to understand how.  I'm hurt and tired and sad and frustrated and angry and just so sick of it all.