March 13, 2013

One Day, In Retrospect, The Year of Struggle Will Strike You As The Most Beautiful

Well, today was the day.
1 year.   1 whole freaking year.
1 year ago today was THE worst day of my life.
Well, worst week really.  Okay worst year??
It's hard to believe my Dad has been gone for a whole year.
A lot happens in one year.
I feel like I've lost a year.
I look at my kids and they're a year older.
I look at me, I look older.
The calendar says a year has passed.
I don't remember much.  It's almost like I've been in a fog, a coma, if you will, but a coma where I'm awake and alive, just not on the inside.
It's been a crappy year, I'm just going to be honest with you.
And I miss my Dad.

We spent the previous weekend at my brother's house, sledding, eating chili and relaxing, much like we did last year.  It was necessary, I think, for us to try and reenact the events of the previous year, as if, even for a single moment, we could have him, or more like the memory of him, back with us. And it was hard.  Way harder than I ever thought it would be.  The sky was the same color, the snow covered mountains were the same as I remembered them.  It was all the same, and yet a whole year had passed...and it was all totally and completely different.
My Baby Mia, last year, 9 months old
My baby Mia, this year, wearing the same clothes, 1 1/2 years old.

Some of us, 2012

All but one of us, 2013
I thought long and hard about what we should do today to remember him.  I wanted to do something in his memory, something he would have enjoyed. But staying in my garments in bed watching old westerns and eating ice cream just wasn't going to cut it, although in reality, he would have loved that.

So.  Plan B.  My brother and his wife and kids came down from Logan.  We visited for a while.  We went to lunch at Olive Garden.  We went to Scheels.  

We bought some balloons and went to a park and sent them to Papa.


We watched them til they disappeared.   We went to dinner at Texas Roadhouse.  We celebrated his life.  We missed him.

We made it through the first year without him.  It was hard.  It was rotten, filled with so many trials and hardships.  Lots of good stuff happened too, don't get me wrong, but it was a tough year.

Many people have told me that the first year is always hard.  And we made it.  Together.  I don't know what I'd do without my family.  All of them.  And I intend on leaning on them to make it through the next year, And the next.  Together forever, am I right?

I have my Dad's watch.  I took it with me last year.  It beeps every hour, on the hour.  It's a comforting sound, that little noise, and I always think of him when I hear it.  I took it out today and looked at the date.  3-13.  And I lost it completely.  On year ago, my Dad wore this watch for the last time.  And it makes me sad.  His nasty skin flakes and dirt and dust are still in between the links on the band.  He used to sit in church and clean it out with his pocket knife.  Now you see him, now you don't, I still don't understand how it could be real.  How is he not with us right now?!?  But we carry on.

Dad, I miss you like crazy.  I wish you were here every single day.  I have wanted to call you so many times this past year.  You would be so proud of my kids.  Izacc still says the funniest things.  I can just hear you laugh about one of his stories.  Ian is so smart, he would blow you away with what he knows.  He misses you too.  He told me tonight he misses you to 100 and that's a lot of numbers, he said.  And your little Millie is turning into such a beauty.  She's got the attitude you told me she was going to have, feisty and full of life.  She's been biting lately, mostly her brothers. She rules the roost, just like you knew she would.  And I just plain miss you.  Your laugh, your teasing, your super ticklish feet and your half finger.  I know you're alright and right where you're supposed to be.  I'm selfish I guess and wish you were still here with us.  I look forward to the day I get to see you again.  And I love you.


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