Craptastic

I'm having a bad bad day.  

I feel like I need to get it all out to feel better rather than sit and stew in my own pity party pool of sadness, so please excuse my word vomit while I try and clear my mind.

I sincerely and truly hate it when my husband is away. We normally see each other for an hour while he gets ready for work, an hour for lunch, an hour for dinner before he heads to job #2, and then about an hour when he gets home before we go to sleep.  Technically speaking, he sees the kids at lunch and dinner and that's it.  They are usually asleep in the morning and are in bed when he gets home.  That's not very much time to be home.  That's a lot of time spent working.  That's a lot of time to be away from his family.    It's not fair to the kids, and it's not fair to him.  And it's not fair to me and I basically hate it.  Because, although it's a lot of time for him to be away from me and the kids, it's also a lot of time of JUST me with the kids. 

So even though it's only 4 hours a day we see him, those four hours are my saving grace.  When he's not here, it's noticed and felt.  And it sucketh.

Today has been a gem of a day.  It's day 4 of Daddy's little excursion and it started out with the boy demanding pancakes as soon as I set my feet on the ground.  I'm happy to make pancakes, especially on a Saturday, so it's not a huge deal except for the fact that no one said please or even asked for that matter.  So I made the pancakes.  And I had to feed the baby.  And while I was feeding her, somehow a movie got deleted from the Playstation.  And then something was broken.  And some kool-aid spilled on the BATHROOM?? floor.  And lots of crying and pinching and hitting and biting and wrestling and diaper taking off-ing and slamming mommy in the car door and pinching mommy's finger with needle-nose pliers and mommy crying and baby crying and Ian crying and Izacc crying.

I'm at wits end with the kids today.  And I'm tired of doing everything.  And there's no relief in sight.  I feel like I clean and cook and feed the baby and look around and still see the biggest mess, almost like I'm trying to run up an escalator that's headed down.  And if I just stop running, down I go.

I love my kids.

I love my job.

There's nothing I'd rather be doing than raising my kids.

But sometimes I have a bad day.

And need to cry.  

I feel like I give and give and when the time comes for me to need someone or something, no one has time for me.  

I feel like everyone just assumes I'm so tough and can handle it and will be okay. 

But sometimes I'm not and need to talk or to get out of the house or something.

And know what else?!  I don't like who I am when I feel like this.

I don't like being lonely and sad and angry and frustrated.

I don't like it when I can't get a hold of anyone.

And my mind starts creating the most ridiculous scenarios

And I feel like no one cares about me.

I especially don't like to be mad at my babies.

I don't like for them to see mommy crying into her potato peels.

I am going to be okay.

Everything's gonna be better tomorrow.

I know this for sure.

It always is.

But right now, I'm doing a lot of praying.

And sitting in the silence.

And thinking about the ways I'm gonna be more patient and calm tomorrow.

And feeding my baby.

Because seriously, ya'll, all she does is eat.

She's 8 weeks old today.

I sorta can't believe it.

A lot of things culminated to make today a stinker.  And it seemed a lot worse than it really was I'm sure.

But it's pretty pathetic when an episode of  My Name Is Earl brings you to tears.

So here's my goal for the week.  
I'm going to yell less, and hug more.
I'm going to breathe.
I'm going to not expect so much out of myself so that when my giant list of chores doesn't get done, I'm not stressed and mad at myself and in a bad mood.
The dishes can wait a day.
The floor can be crumby and sticky for a minute.
My kids need a sane and happy mommy.
I'm not going to expect so much out of my 4 year old son because let's face it, people.
He's four years old.
My goal is to go with it.
To get off the escalator and take the stairs.


Here's to tomorrow and a fresh new day.
Here's to a happy Mommy, even if Daddy is away.
Here's to letting my kids be little.

And here's to a shower.

And maybe a vanilla milkshake.