Gloomy

I feel like the worst mother in the world.
I suck.
I feel like total crap.
I need some help.
I have no control over my 4 year old.

IZ is my joy. He makes me so happy. He is so smart and we have the best conversations. Ever.
I basically love him to pieces. He is a very independent little soul, always has been. He gets his own drinks, puts in his own movies, gets himself dressed and goes in and out of the house as he pleases. I feel like he doesn't listen to a word I say. Or he does listen just doesn't care.

When he was in nursery, he didn't like to sit down and color with the other kids, he would rather run around or take his coloring to another spot in the room. The other kids would follow his example and soon mass pandemonium would errupt. He's always been the leader, the one the other kids would follow. Which is great if only he'd use his powers for good instead of evil.

Why all the drama you ask? What brought the gloomy cloud over my head today? Well, you see, this is my first time dealing with school, with not being there to supervise and instruct his behavior. My first time sitting on the sidelines and watching my child be himself. And I am worried. Very very worried.

I went to pick up IZ after his first day of school. All the other kids were sitting patiently in their chairs.
My IZ was standing next to the teacher asking if he looked like Buzz Lightyear. (He has a backpack with a Buzz hood)

So he and I talked a lot about following the rules and listening to his teacher and doing what she told him to do. We went over it and over it. On the way to school today we again talked about listening to teacher and following directions. I told him that I wanted him to be sitting in his chair with the other kids when I came to get him. He agreed and even repeated what I said. Great! We said our goodbyes and I left him to his class.

When I came to pick him up I was looking forward to less chaos and a happy, obedient boy greeting me. As I walked through the door, my heart sunk. There were all the other kids sitting quietly in their respective seats and there was IZ, playing alone in the toys.

Boo.

So we went to the car and I asked him why he wasn't sitting in his chair. He didn't know, the most common answer I get from him.

I then pulled out his work for the day. Today was red day. He wore red and they were going to be learning about red. There was a piece of paper with the word RED written on it.

And it was colored green.

Why? Because he "doesn't like red, he likes green".

My heart hurts. I don't know what I need to be doing to help the situation. So I ask
mothers of the world, help me! Is this normal? Am I just worrying too much? Making something out of nothing?

I don't want him to be the weird kid, the one everyone makes fun of because he can't follow directions. I don't want him to be the loner or the annoying one. I want him to be what I know he is! The charming boy who leads and makes friends so easily. I am seriously so worried.

I tried Google. I looked up topics like 'my 4 year old won't follow directions'. I got a bunch of ADHD sites. Perfect.

And then I got a letter from Child Development. He has a few language developments we need to work on. We're having a "team meeting" on Wednesday to create a game plan. My day just basically imploded in a craptastic ball of poo.

I feel like I'm failing as a mother. Does he need more structure? Should I be more strict with his activities? Should I not let him watch TV anymore? Is there something I should be doing that I'm not? I feel so helpless and useless and just which there was an instruction manual out there that could tell me exactly how to troubleshoot my baby.

So any advise would be more than greatly appreciated. I'm stumped.
need structure?