April 11, 2010

We Got The Funk... and I don't mean the smelly kind...

I am in rare form tonight...
Just thought I'd apologise in advance. Bummer mood approaching...I'd go back if I were you...

Have you ever had something said or something happen or just been lost in your thoughts and just have the crappiest most gut wrenching sadness come over you? Sadness and disappointment and just all around blar! Poo!

My heart hurts!

That's what I got going on over here.

I feel like I am a big ol burden to people and my kids are too annoying to be taken out in public and it seems like I am being left out of things that I would normally be a part of.

I know my little son has the best of intentions and he wears his heart on his sleeve. I love that about him. He is so sweet and genuine and I hope he never loses that. But then I think about all the people who will mock him and hurt him and make fun of him and crush him and it kills me.

Do all parents think this way? Or is it those of us who were the same way and had the same things happen?

I want to cuddle up in bad and just hold him close. I want to kick myself for ever thinking anything he does is annoying or for ever scolding him.

He's only three.

I guess I forget that sometimes.

There is so much garbage going on in our lives right now and it just has me wondering how much is it going to take before we see the light of day again? How long do we have to put up with it and deal with it and try and stay positive and upbeat and happy?

I know that every single person if this entire world has bad things going on. I know that. I am so not trying to sound selfish or vain or have a "please feel sorry for me" day.

I'm just so tired. And sad. And I feel so alone. And almost hopeless. And the super crappy thing is that I can honestly say I don't see a way out. I don't see it happening, but I can't ever let myself really think that because all I have to rely on is faith. Faith that it will all get better. Faith that things will change and turn around. Faith that there really is a point and there will be a light at the end of the tunnel and people will get what they deserve. I can't let myself give up, even though right now it feels like I am hanging on by a teeny tiny thread. One doubting thought, one misstep and it's over.

My space bar isn't working. Boo.

I have a bunch of transcription work to get done and my programs and pedal aren't working either. Double boo.

You know, regret is a funny thing. It's very haunting and relentless. You can coulda woulda shoulda all day and night and the funny thing is YOU CAN'T GO BACK AND CHANGE IT. You can't. So why even have the stupid emotion? There is nothing you can do but go forward. Why is that so freaking hard to remember?

All I can think about is what's wrong with everything lately. And how jealous I am of other people with their pretty things and whatnot. I almost feel like making a list, but then I think well no because if you so that you'll REALLY see all the bad and how much of it is really there.

Ever seen the Secret? It's really good...and probably works too if you can discipline yourself to be positive. Maybe I need to be more positive and instead of worrying about all the junk, just be grateful for all the good.

Can anyone help me do that?


amanda said...

I don't have children but I would imagine I would feel the same way. In fact I worry about that stuff now. How good of a Mother I will be, and what I would do in certain situations, even though no amount of preparing will ever really make me ready.

And the whole boo on everything, I think we all feel that way sometimes. I have been feeling it too. All my friends are married or have significant others and they are just to busy with their better halves to really spend time with me. Even though I was there first. And it's a totally selfish thing. But I think sometimes we forget how important people are in our lives. Better, new, shiny things are there. But the old stuff is just as good.

I had this really favorite quote when I was younger, and of course at the most opportune time I cannot think of all of it. But it says something like, in the darkest hour of the soul is when you learn the most. You are the most exposed. And as difficult as it may be, probably the best thing you can do is learn from what has happened and take it with you in the future. I agree that it is kind of a stupid feeling and feels like a waste of our damn time. But it also makes us slow down for a minute and really think about stuff. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe this is god's way of telling us that it's time for a change. Just kinda sucks that it comes at a time where you are in complete darkness. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel, you just can't see it yet. May stub your toe a few times on the corner of the coffee table, but you're still alive. You still have a beautiful family. Just gotta remember to come up for air.
I know it's way easier said than done. Just know you're not the only one.

The Collard Clan said...

Sounds like you could use a monster hug. Don't let life get you down. Always remember "it will pass" the bad will soon be gone but the good leaves just as fast so be sure to charish it while you have it. Life will kick you when you're down - so just don't get to that point or it will beat you everytime. Hang in there buddy and remember to SMILE!

grandma said...

Hey Camie, I havent seen you for years.....probably since you and Jenn were still in school! and I just found your blog thru Jenni's (Hope thats ok) Any way I just finished reading your posts.... and felt I needed to tell you. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! You have a awesome family and I can tell you are very proud of them! Hang in there and the Smiles will return. Love ya, Jenns Mom

JennyMac said...

I agree you need a big hug. And yes, remembering gratitude is always a great thing to focus on. Spend one afternoon in a children's hospital and you will really feel lifted..not only with hope but also for all you have in your life. :) Sending positive thoughts.

Heidi R said...

I won't say here that I know what you're going through, because I don't. I know there is a lot of garbage going on all over the place, I even have my own. It does feel like the light at the end of the tunnel will never present itself sometimes... It's a horrible feeling. I know. The last two years life has tried to beat me down, but I can't let it! Sometimes it feels like it would be easier to just give up, but you are strong and you won't. Vent away darling! You do need that, and don't feel bad for doing it. I don't want to try and give you the answers Camie, because I don't have them :) All I can do is give you a little insight and hope that it helps you smile.

The truth is, we live in such a society that we feel as though we have to "have it all". We don't. In our country people are losing their jobs, their homes, and their families. I find that you need to remember to count your blessings!! I wake up and thank God that I did, that I can face another day, good or bad. I am thankful that I am not homeless, I have my family, and my job. I am alive! I take the good with the bad. Because, well, what else is there to do? Do not be jealous of what others have. The key to being happy is wanting everything that you do have, not focusing on all the things you don't.

Try not stress little Izacc's demeanor. He is only three. It might seem like he could be horribly mistreated by others right now, but when he gets older you might find that he will be just fine too. I know that as a mother, we all fear things like that. It's a normal thing, you're a mom, and sometimes it feels like your job is to worry. My babies are in school now and they are doing great. I thought that there would be more tears from hurt feelings and meanies, but in truth there's more bumps and scrapes from falling down on the play ground.

I don't know if any of what I said helps, but I will hope. I will also pray for you and your family, that you will be delivered from whatever icky stuff is going on in your life right now. Remember: It is okay to complain, and cry (it cleanses the soul) and to lean on those who care about you. Hang in there heavy heart!