I am in rare form tonight...
Just thought I'd apologise in advance. Bummer mood approaching...I'd go back if I were you...
Have you ever had something said or something happen or just been lost in your thoughts and just have the crappiest most gut wrenching sadness come over you? Sadness and disappointment and just all around blar! Poo!
My heart hurts!
That's what I got going on over here.
I feel like I am a big ol burden to people and my kids are too annoying to be taken out in public and it seems like I am being left out of things that I would normally be a part of.
I know my little son has the best of intentions and he wears his heart on his sleeve. I love that about him. He is so sweet and genuine and I hope he never loses that. But then I think about all the people who will mock him and hurt him and make fun of him and crush him and it kills me.
Do all parents think this way? Or is it those of us who were the same way and had the same things happen?
I want to cuddle up in bad and just hold him close. I want to kick myself for ever thinking anything he does is annoying or for ever scolding him.
He's only three.
I guess I forget that sometimes.
There is so much garbage going on in our lives right now and it just has me wondering how much is it going to take before we see the light of day again? How long do we have to put up with it and deal with it and try and stay positive and upbeat and happy?
I know that every single person if this entire world has bad things going on. I know that. I am so not trying to sound selfish or vain or have a "please feel sorry for me" day.
I'm just so tired. And sad. And I feel so alone. And almost hopeless. And the super crappy thing is that I can honestly say I don't see a way out. I don't see it happening, but I can't ever let myself really think that because all I have to rely on is faith. Faith that it will all get better. Faith that things will change and turn around. Faith that there really is a point and there will be a light at the end of the tunnel and people will get what they deserve. I can't let myself give up, even though right now it feels like I am hanging on by a teeny tiny thread. One doubting thought, one misstep and it's over.
My space bar isn't working. Boo.
I have a bunch of transcription work to get done and my programs and pedal aren't working either. Double boo.
You know, regret is a funny thing. It's very haunting and relentless. You can coulda woulda shoulda all day and night and the funny thing is YOU CAN'T GO BACK AND CHANGE IT. You can't. So why even have the stupid emotion? There is nothing you can do but go forward. Why is that so freaking hard to remember?
All I can think about is what's wrong with everything lately. And how jealous I am of other people with their pretty things and whatnot. I almost feel like making a list, but then I think well no because if you so that you'll REALLY see all the bad and how much of it is really there.
Ever seen the Secret? It's really good...and probably works too if you can discipline yourself to be positive. Maybe I need to be more positive and instead of worrying about all the junk, just be grateful for all the good.
Can anyone help me do that?