June 16, 2012

My Own Way

I ran a 5K today.
My very very first one in my whole life EVER!
I'll post some pictures of the day's events later.
But today was kind of a big deal, and I wanted to explain why.
A year ago today was Miss Amelia's due date.
She came 5 days early, thank heavens, but it's still funny to think about.
Tomorrow is Father's Day.
It might be a rough one.
But let's talk about today.
No wait, let's start a year ago today so I can explain how I got from there to here.

A year ago today I had a brand new baby girl.
Life was good.
Really good.
My life was amazing in fact.
I had a best friend who I talked to every day.
I had the sweet baby girl that I'd been dreaming of forever. 
It was summer and life was beautiful.
After I had Amelia I gained some weight.
I am one of those lucky women who don't LOSE weight while nursing and actually GAIN it.
Awesome, I know.
Try not to be too jealous.
But ah well.  No matter.  It would work it's way out, like it always does.
Fast forward 5 months.
My husband got a new job.
And he moved to Utah.
And I stayed in Riverton with 3 kids.
And it was stressful.
And then we packed all our crap in boxes and put it in a storage shed.
And moved in with my sweet Gramma to live in her basement.
And put our house for sale.
And waited.
And waited.
And it was stressful.
And then our dog Zoe died.
And I was sad.
And stressed.
And unhappy.
And the thought occurred to me that enough was enough and it was time to lose some weight.
And I thought, 'meh, maybe running would be a good way to shed some pounds.'
And as I watched some more TV and sat on the couch, I thought about it some more.
And then there was a call from above...er something.
My Gramma's stake was putting on a 5K in June.
And I thought about MAYBE trying to run it.
But I hated running.
Stupid high school track.
Also I was a mother of three and finding time was going to be hard.
But I thought about it some more.
I decided I'd just jump in with both feet.
But I'd need some shoes.
And an Ipod.
And the right kind of clothes.
And I couldn't possibly start until I had all those things.
But I signed up for the 5K anyway.
And didn't tell anyone.
My little secret.
I figured we'd have our house sold by then and possibly be in our own house, but I could always come back and run it!
One day in March, we went to Logan to go sledding and then we went to a sports store.
I just happened to be looking around the running shoes and playing around with the thought of actually getting a real pair of shoes.
And another sign came down from above.
I was looking at the shoes that were on sale.
There was 1 pair of size 10s.
So I opened them up
And I heard angels singing.
They were black and hot pink.
The only pair in the store.
The only size 10.
I had to get them.
So I did.

And then 2 days later, my Dad died.
And the sadness spiral came back with a vengeance.
I was really sad.
I was really stressed.
I was really unhappy.
And I ate a lot more than any human should ever consume.
Eating makes the sadness go away...
Not really, but when you're in the throes there's no stopping it.
And I was more depressed than I have ever been in my entire life.

And so I ran.

I'd walk Izacc to school and run back.
I ran on Gramma's treadmill.
Then I started doing the unthinkable.
Unthinkable I say!
I started getting up before my family and running.
And it was sort of like magic.

I wasn't running to lose weight anymore.
I wasn't running to get ready for the 5K in June.
I was running from the pain.
I was running from the sadness.
I was running to be alone with my thoughts and memories of Dad.
And guess what?
It was hard.
It sucked getting up to go out into the cold when the baby had been up most of the night.
It sucked looking in the mirror and seeing basically no results.
It sucked feeling no motivation at all.
But I kept going.
I had to relax and stop worrying what I looked like or how fast I was going or how freaking tired I was.
Or sad I was.
I started praying before I'd run.
And asking for the help I needed to keep going.
And got stronger.
And ran longer and farther.
And I let go of all the worries.
And suddenly I didn't feel as sad anymore.
And I didn't want to eat the world anymore.
And the fact that our house wasn't selling wasn't as stressful anymore.


So here I am today.
My Dad died and it SUCKS!
I'm still overweight.
Our house isn't selling and we're basically throwing our money down the drain waiting for it.
Zoe was the best dog anybody could ask for ever.
We're living in Gramma's basement, cozy and tight and raising her electric and water bills.
But guess what?!
I am content.
I am at peace.
And I am happy.
We're living life on this roller coaster and all the ups and downs and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be learning from all of this.  
But a bloggy friend of mine said it best in a post she recently wrote and it really hit me over the head.
She was talking about how once she went tubing down the river and was freaking out and struggling and worried and panicking and fell out.  And she looked around at everyone and saw that they were all relaxed and actually enjoying the ride.  So she stopped worrying and relaxed and she said that the "raging river became a peaceful stream once I quit fighting it."
Quit fighting it.
Quit fighting it!
So simple.
So I did.  
And I have.  
And I have sad days.  
And bad days.  
But I was missing my life while I wallowed in my sad pool of pity.
And I didn't want to miss anymore.
My baby is one.
My Izacc is going to be a first grader.
My Ian is busy being 3.
And I will not miss one more day worrying or feeling sorry for myself.

So today was about more than just running 3.whatever miles.
It's been a journey.
An actual personal journey.
And I'm by no means out of the woods yet.
But I'm going to keep running and going and trying
And putting my trust in the one who knows how all the chips are going to fall and when they're going to fall and why.
He's got it covered.
I'm not freaking out anymore.
I've quit fighting it.
And it's getting good...again.



Ashley Cook said...

You sure know how to bring tears to my eyes.
You're an inspiration. I'm hoping all of my "thinking about it" will lead to something some day.
Love you!

Erika said...

I love you. So so so much.

You really are inspirational, did you know?
And a really great writer. Blog more!

t.erickson said...

You are such an inspiration! I can also relate to some of those horrible roller coaster rides of emotions. Some of the worst days, weeks, and months were experienced after the death of my Dad. (I know you knew him well too.) I can't believe he was only 57 at the time, and he has now been gone 8 years this Dec. This sounds uper crazy but I catch myself at times doing things and saying to myself, "This one's for you Dad." As for instance, when I got a big promotion at my job a few years back, when we named our oldest daughter after him, or when I just go for a casual horse back ride. Those things keep me grounded and remind me of who I am, and where I came from. I strive to still make him proud. My heart breaks for you and sadly those feelings don't go away and won't hurt less in time. My only comfort for you is that as time passes the crappy days won't happen as often. Be strong and remember your Dad misses you too! (Someone told me that and I have to remember that each and everyday.)