March 13, 2012

How Is This Happening?!

I have no words.
Well, that is absolutely not true.  I have so many words and I just don't know what to do with them all or how to even express them in a way that makes sense.
I lost my Daddy today.
He was only 58.
I figured we had at least another 10 or 20 years before I'd have to go through this and I am not ready.  Not ready at all.
I am not in my right mind and I feel like I'm in a fog. I want to always remember this day and the events surrounding it, so I'm going to spew it out here for the world to read.
In all reality, I don't have a journal and can't sleep.  So feel free to skip this post if you like, won't hurt my feelings a bit.

Last night, my husband watched the episode of How I Met Your Mother where Marshall's Dad died.
It's all hitting really close to home.
My sister-in-law called me this morning to tell me they'd taken him to the hospital in an ambulance.  He didn't wake up last night.  He wasn't breathing this morning when my mom went to take a shower.
That's all I knew.
So I sat there and stewed and my thoughts went to places I didn't even want them to go.  Like what we would do about a funeral.  And what I would wear to a viewing.  And what I would sing.  And that my sons wouldn't be able to be baptized by their papa.
And I just shook those thoughts off as me overreacting and moved on.
We had just seem him on Saturday.
We'd gone sledding.
We had a wonderful day with my family and basically enjoyed each other's company.
Two days ago.
So I waited to hear anything new and just chalked my worst case scenario thoughts as just that.
Until I got the call.  At 10:50 am.
It was my brother on my mom's phone.
He said "Camie, I've got some bad news."
He told me the story...and then said he didn't wake up.
:He died:
I said "Are you kidding me?"
And I told him I'd be there as soon as I could.

And the remainder of the afternoon is a blur.  I picked Izacc up from school.  I packed.  I folded clothes.  I called Izacc's school.  I took a shower.  I hugged my aunt.  I talked to my best friend.  I got a bazillion texts.  Word sure travels fast.  I told my babies that their Papa was in heaven taking care of Zoe.  I packed the car.  I drove, with my gramma, the 4 hour journey to my parent's house.  I had a headache.  We had quite a few visitors and lots and lots of food.  I helped plan a funeral.  I cried a little.  I have yet to really realize what's going on.  Really.

When we got to my parent's house, my Ian was giving my Mom a hug and kept asking her "Where's Papa!?  Where's Papa?!"
He's two.
He doesn't understand.
I'm not sure I understand.

I still have a headache.
I'm noticing that I'm being strong for everyone else.
I'm not sure how long this will last.
I think about it and become overcome with sadness and I just have to stop and focus on the one task at hand.  Pack.  Drive.  Get kids to bed.  Eat.

I don't know what to do.  I don't know where to go from here.  I've never had to do this before and I am so scared.  It's going to be rough.  And I'm not okay.

I went into his room and he's all over in there.  His hats.  His gum collection.  His ties.  His stupid covered wagon lamp.  How can this be real?  How can this be happening?!?

My baby, who has yet to really say anything besides "Ma ma ma ma" and "Ba ba ba ba", was in the bedroom with me.  And she was on my shoulder facing the other way.  And she said "Papa".  And I looked at her and she said it again.  And I looked at my mom and cried and as she looked at all of us and pointed with her chubby hand towards the last place he existed on this Earth and said "Papa".

I deleted a message from him off my phone yesterday.
I'd do anything to hear his voice, see him, just know he is in the other room snoring.

I miss my Dad.
And I'm not okay.



Lange Family said...

Camie Rae, my heart is just breaking for you! I would do anything to take away your pain! I am so sorry! Your dad was so amazing and he has always been so great to me. He and your mom have always treated me like I belonged and they made me feel like family. Please know that I am praying for you and I am here for anything you need! I love you!

Five M&Ms said...

Oh Camie there are no words! I'm so sorry for your loss and can only imagine what you're going through. Thinking of you and your family.

SmustysGirl said...

Big, BIG hugs!!!

The Collard Clan said...

I love you camie -- Had a good cry this afternoon with you. I Love you, know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

becca said...

oh honey hugs

Shan said...

I'd like to be able to snap my fingers and make this nightmare go away for you Camie. You've always been a very special person and please know that there are still a lot of people, including me, who care about you.

The Mrs. said...

So so sorry. I didn't realize he passed so suddenly. I really don't know what else I can say. I'm really sorry.